The night before a test, and here I am blogging.
I wouldn't ordinarily be doing this, but at this point, I've decided, to stop, for a while, and to reflect for a bit.
Today's sermon really hit me, when Ben said:
Sometimes, you find life just pushing you along;
And yes, indeed, it's almost too easy to get carried away. When this happens though, you've got to know when to reach out your hand and hold on to something so that you don't get swept along even further.
Sometimes, there comes a point when you've got to stop and take time to consider what really is important to you.
There has been many a time where I've been too focused on work to slow down, and appreciate how life, those around me, and how God has been good to me.
Dear daddy, it will be your birthday in 3 days time. You'd have been 58. It's been almost a year since you left, but dad, life has been kind to us. Life has been kind. And we've been really well taken care of by family, friends and brethren who are around us. Thank God.
We hired a new domestic helper at the beginning of this year, and so far, everything's been alright. She's a great help. Mummy now comes home an hour earlier from work. She misses you too and constantly brings you up in our conversations. Mei has just finished her examinations and will get her results back in December, then it's college for her, a new phase of her life. All is fine. LAP has 2 new elders now, and so we have 4 at this moment. We're currently in the process of nominating deacons as well - and praying that qualified men would step up willingly to help out in this good work. The foundation class which you've taught for so many years is being well taken care of Amos. He's a great teacher, so don't worry too much about that. The new circle line has just opened, and it's cut down my travelling time to school by a good 20-30 minutes each morning, and for that, i'm really thankful. Many places are so much more accessible now. For instance, botanic gardens. It's only a stop away from ours. You'd have liked to make that your new morning walk place wouldn't you.
You know dad, I'm kind of like you. I like taking long aimless walks to nowhere. Just this evening I took one to MacRitchie near our place. You remember that ol'place don't you? you wouldn't forget, it was one of your favourite walking places too. And i've been learning to slow down, take things slightly easier, and be kinder to myself as well. School will always be school. I'll just do what I can, and do my best. And learn to focus my learning on the knowledge to be gained instead of grades, grades and grades, up to a point where I sometimes felt that my self worth depended on my grades. No more of that. After all, that's not what learning is about. After all, why did I even choose Pharmacy? Wasn't it to help people with their drug therapy? Sometimes it gets so competitive in here, and so academic. Very sciency. I'm not here for the sciency part of it all though. Yes, I'm into understanding how drugs work to cure diseases and the science behind it all, but the reason why I chose Pharmacy was really for the patient care. There have been times too, where I've thought it was probably a better idea for me to study Nursing instead. But well, once we're so far down a certain path of life, it's pretty difficult to turn back. After all, Pharmacy is a good skill after all, and though tough, I really have God to thank for seeing me through up till now. To put it simply, I don't have very high expectations, all I want to gain out of my education is to secure a stable job which I can identify with, and which brings meaning to my own life, and to others' as well.
I am a simple person, I don't mind people noticing that I rotate the clothes which I wear to school over 1 or 2 weeks. And somehow, it's occurred to me that most of my tees and shirts are plain white. My staple is almost always mixed vegetable rice in school or at hawker centres. I don't need much to keep me entertained. No clubs or theme parks or expensive outings to here and there. Just a simple walking trip to the nearby park or reservoir or a jog around the neighbourhood will do. With friends and it's twice the fun. I don't/can't use complex/sophisticated english/language to express myself, I can only understand simple english/chinese. Anyways, i've always believed that in most circumstances, languages should never be used as a tool to impress.
Well, Relationships with people have been getting more and more complicated. But I'm doing my best. Am doing my best to live peaceably with everyone around me. To those who've earned my trust and friendship, thank you for always being there for me. I'll do my best to be a great friend to you as well. To those who've been less than pleasant; I'll still be nice and kind in my dealings with you. But I won't be getting all worked up and stressed over you.
As much as i try to portray myself as someone with a positive mindset, I'm really a worrier at heart dad. Somewhat like you. There is a God watching over us, and and His eye is on the sparrow. Yet many a times, life moves so fast that I overlook this fact, and succumb to my worries and fears. Am working on that though.
Aunty Sau Kuin went for a mammogram not too long ago, the results were favourable, and yet, now, not too far down the road from the mammogram, she has been diagnosed with breast cancer is is undergoing treatment. Indeed, there are so many things in this life which are not within our control. There are so many things in this life which we do not have answers to. And it is in these times that we must remind ourselves that only God holds the key to whatever happens; and so, we have to let nature take it's course.
And dad, I'm glad that I have a purpose in this life. Amidst all my hopes, dreams and ambitions in this life, the Bible constantly reminds me of what I need to do, and where I am headed one day when the journey is over. I mean, if I was not a Christian, how would it be? To have no real and meaningful purpose in this life. Just work, work work? and perhaps have a little fun here and there and then back to work work work, and then at the end of the day just die and rot in the ground and where is the meaning in that?. On some days I feel down, and my mood gets a little under the weather, but things would have been much worst, if I wasn't a Christian.
Dad, there have been many changes since you've gone away. Many things have happened since you've been gone, people who have changed, changes which I'd have preferred not to happen. Then again, who am I to decide?, things which I don't understand - and this includes you being gone. There are many things at this point which I wish I could have done differently, there have been regrets in my life, one of them being not grabbing some F1 tickets for you and me, and going with you to watch a race. I don't know where God is leading me at this point. But as you have taught me, just trust, obey and look ahead. And yes daddy, I will continue to look ahead, fight for what I believe in, and appreciate, make time for and not hesitate to show and express care for people whom I love, for people whom I have not lost.
Miss you.
Bab
