This just isn't me

What is this deep, raging anger that I feel

For no apparent reason

This just isn't me

Perhaps it was always there

And that I continually refused to acknowledge it

Well here I am

This is me.

No it's not.

We all need to exercise some self control

Life is just too short to harbour negative thoughts

There's still much to live for

And we aren't here for no purpose

Forgive.

I know that you'll do the same thing again.

And again, and over again and again.

And it's already happened one too many a time before.

Well let me tell you, i'm really tired of that.

And I should not be the one to suffer for what isn't my fault

But I remember:

"But God commendeth His love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us" (Romans 5:8)

Knowing that I would make the same mistakes over and over again, He still forgives.

Who am I to bear a grudge?

Dear God, help me

To forgive and forget.

Stop.

The night before a test, and here I am blogging.

I wouldn't ordinarily be doing this, but at this point, I've decided, to stop, for a while, and to reflect for a bit.

Today's sermon really hit me, when Ben said:

Sometimes, you find life just pushing you along;

And yes, indeed, it's almost too easy to get carried away. When this happens though, you've got to know when to reach out your hand and hold on to something so that you don't get swept along even further.

Sometimes, there comes a point when you've got to stop and take time to consider what really is important to you.

There has been many a time where I've been too focused on work to slow down, and appreciate how life, those around me, and how God has been good to me.

Dear daddy, it will be your birthday in 3 days time. You'd have been 58. It's been almost a year since you left, but dad, life has been kind to us. Life has been kind. And we've been really well taken care of by family, friends and brethren who are around us. Thank God.

We hired a new domestic helper at the beginning of this year, and so far, everything's been alright. She's a great help. Mummy now comes home an hour earlier from work. She misses you too and constantly brings you up in our conversations. Mei has just finished her examinations and will get her results back in December, then it's college for her, a new phase of her life. All is fine. LAP has 2 new elders now, and so we have 4 at this moment. We're currently in the process of nominating deacons as well - and praying that qualified men would step up willingly to help out in this good work. The foundation class which you've taught for so many years is being well taken care of Amos. He's a great teacher, so don't worry too much about that. The new circle line has just opened, and it's cut down my travelling time to school by a good 20-30 minutes each morning, and for that, i'm really thankful. Many places are so much more accessible now. For instance, botanic gardens. It's only a stop away from ours. You'd have liked to make that your new morning walk place wouldn't you.

You know dad, I'm kind of like you. I like taking long aimless walks to nowhere. Just this evening I took one to MacRitchie near our place. You remember that ol'place don't you? you wouldn't forget, it was one of your favourite walking places too. And i've been learning to slow down, take things slightly easier, and be kinder to myself as well. School will always be school. I'll just do what I can, and do my best. And learn to focus my learning on the knowledge to be gained instead of grades, grades and grades, up to a point where I sometimes felt that my self worth depended on my grades. No more of that. After all, that's not what learning is about. After all, why did I even choose Pharmacy? Wasn't it to help people with their drug therapy? Sometimes it gets so competitive in here, and so academic. Very sciency. I'm not here for the sciency part of it all though. Yes, I'm into understanding how drugs work to cure diseases and the science behind it all, but the reason why I chose Pharmacy was really for the patient care. There have been times too, where I've thought it was probably a better idea for me to study Nursing instead. But well, once we're so far down a certain path of life, it's pretty difficult to turn back. After all, Pharmacy is a good skill after all, and though tough, I really have God to thank for seeing me through up till now. To put it simply, I don't have very high expectations, all I want to gain out of my education is to secure a stable job which I can identify with, and which brings meaning to my own life, and to others' as well.

I am a simple person, I don't mind people noticing that I rotate the clothes which I wear to school over 1 or 2 weeks. And somehow, it's occurred to me that most of my tees and shirts are plain white. My staple is almost always mixed vegetable rice in school or at hawker centres. I don't need much to keep me entertained. No clubs or theme parks or expensive outings to here and there. Just a simple walking trip to the nearby park or reservoir or a jog around the neighbourhood will do. With friends and it's twice the fun. I don't/can't use complex/sophisticated english/language to express myself, I can only understand simple english/chinese. Anyways, i've always believed that in most circumstances, languages should never be used as a tool to impress.

Well, Relationships with people have been getting more and more complicated. But I'm doing my best. Am doing my best to live peaceably with everyone around me. To those who've earned my trust and friendship, thank you for always being there for me. I'll do my best to be a great friend to you as well. To those who've been less than pleasant; I'll still be nice and kind in my dealings with you. But I won't be getting all worked up and stressed over you.

As much as i try to portray myself as someone with a positive mindset, I'm really a worrier at heart dad. Somewhat like you. There is a God watching over us, and and His eye is on the sparrow. Yet many a times, life moves so fast that I overlook this fact, and succumb to my worries and fears. Am working on that though.

Aunty Sau Kuin went for a mammogram not too long ago, the results were favourable, and yet, now, not too far down the road from the mammogram, she has been diagnosed with breast cancer is is undergoing treatment. Indeed, there are so many things in this life which are not within our control. There are so many things in this life which we do not have answers to. And it is in these times that we must remind ourselves that only God holds the key to whatever happens; and so, we have to let nature take it's course.

And dad, I'm glad that I have a purpose in this life. Amidst all my hopes, dreams and ambitions in this life, the Bible constantly reminds me of what I need to do, and where I am headed one day when the journey is over. I mean, if I was not a Christian, how would it be? To have no real and meaningful purpose in this life. Just work, work work? and perhaps have a little fun here and there and then back to work work work, and then at the end of the day just die and rot in the ground and where is the meaning in that?. On some days I feel down, and my mood gets a little under the weather, but things would have been much worst, if I wasn't a Christian.

Dad, there have been many changes since you've gone away. Many things have happened since you've been gone, people who have changed, changes which I'd have preferred not to happen. Then again, who am I to decide?, things which I don't understand - and this includes you being gone. There are many things at this point which I wish I could have done differently, there have been regrets in my life, one of them being not grabbing some F1 tickets for you and me, and going with you to watch a race. I don't know where God is leading me at this point. But as you have taught me, just trust, obey and look ahead. And yes daddy, I will continue to look ahead, fight for what I believe in, and appreciate, make time for and not hesitate to show and express care for people whom I love, for people whom I have not lost.

Miss you.

Bab

Just a pair of gloves

This is a pair of gloves.

Why am I giving you a pair of gloves?

Hang on,

I'll explain.

Trust me;

Just hold on to them first.

Ok,

So now we're ready.

Actually,

What I have to say is pretty simple.

I just want to you to know;

No matter how heavy things might get,

Or how tired you may feel at times

Hang in there,

And keep holding on

It will pass.

Tough times don't last,

But tough people most certainly do.

And remember that He,

Watches over you.

Tell Him.

That you need His strength.

I am sure that he'll listen to you.

And be sure of that.

And when I say I'm praying for you,

I mean it.

So,

You understand now don't you?

Sze Yin.

Put those gloves on,

And keep holding on.

They'll keep those hands from getting hurt,

Over prolonged periods of holding on.

Sorry though,

That you didn't get to choose your colour

:)

I...

Miss you

Very much

Every day

Life

Somehow has it's way of..

Going on as per normal

Time

Has a peculiar tendency to..

Pass like nothing's happened

How long you've been gone, how far you have gone

Yet I

Am still here

Wish you both were still here

First thoughts about second thoughts...

For a dear friend

And as you embark on a new chapter of your life,

I have just two wishes:

I wish I could have been there in person to say this,

With what little experience that I have:

I can't help but put it simply;

It'll take time for you to adjust,

And you'll face new challenges each and every day.

But I trust that you'll find much joy in whatever you do

Learning as much as you can

Remember always;

"Whatsoever thy hand findeth to do, do it with thy might..."

And I wish you all the very best

Dear God

When in my life,

I know that I could have actually done something,

But did not.

When in my life,

I look around me,

And realise that it is one of the few times that with certainty perhaps - I've lost a part of my life

And when in my life,

During the times when it takes every ounce of strength to say;

"And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to His purpose"

"It is well with my soul"

Please be with me.

Then again, will anything in life ever be certain?

I don't know about tomorrow,

I just live from day to day,

I don't borrow from it's sunshine,

For it's skies may turn to gray.

I don't worry about the future,

For I know what Jesus said

And today He walks beside me

For He knows what lies ahead.

Many things about tomorrow,

I don't seem to understand;

But I know who holds tomorrow,

And I know who holds my hand.

In life, there's probably very little that's certain

But one thing I do know;

I felt really good singing this beside you

Dear God

Dear God,

I know You have your ways,

It is not for me to question how you work

Dear God,

You have blessed me abundantly in many many ways,

So many that I cannot begin to name them

Dear God,

At this point of time,

I come before thee,

Acknowledging that thou art all powerful and all knowing

Dear God,

You have created this World,

and you are in control of all things

Dear God,

I beg thee,

Please,

Please make a way for me,

For I do not know what to do right now

Dear God,
I know that in Your own time,

You will provide,

You will bless

Dear God,

It's just that it's so difficult O Lord

Help me,

I need thy strength O Father

Help me to be patient O Father,

Thou knowest my heart

Thou knowest what is best for

And even in the bleakest of all situations

Thou wilt have a solution

Help me O God,

I cannot do this on my own

I don't want to do this on my own,
For Dear God,

If you allow me to do this on my own,

I know Dear Father,

That I will fail utterly, and miserably

Please Dear God,

As One with Power,

As One who is in control of all things,

Please, grant me your blessing.

For without thy blessing,

I know that I am nothing

I cannot accomplish anything without thy blessings.

Please Dear Father,

Help me,

And make a way for me Dear God.

In Your own time..

Dear God please..

2 months

And counting

There are days

There are days in which you just don't feel like speaking

There are days in which you don't feel like replying your text messages

There are days in which you just want to be alone

There are days in which you don't feel like arranging your facial features properly - just so that people won't keep asking you if you're alright or not

There are days in which you wish you could just crawl under the covers and go to sleep

And there will always be days like this, but that's okay.

Memories

I'm starting school in a few more days,

Wish I had a few more weeks to settle down, but life has to go on as

I wonder how it will be like without you sitting beside me sometimes when i study

I wonder how it will be like not having you text me "Are you coming home for dinner today?"

I wonder how it will be like not coming home to tell you about my day

I wonder how it will be like not having you leave home at the same time as me in the morning for your walk

I wonder how it will be like not having you wake me up in the morning so I won't be late

Ever since you've left, we've been very well taken care of

Family and Friends see to that

Phone calls and text messages of concern

We're invited for dinner

Our fridge is almost always filled to brim with food

Not that it wasn't when you were around.

Just that

It's not really the same

The stuff that you like isn't in the fridge anymore

I often walk past the bakery where you buy bread

And I can't help but look at the shelf which holds the sandwiches which you used to buy

Grief goes round about and comes back in a circle

When it comes to you, you feel it

And when you realise, though somewhat therapeutic, that there's no other point to it

No matter how much you may want, you can't bring someone who has passed on, back

So, you sort of throw it off for a while

And yet it always comes back in a circle to you